Poetry by Ryan Meadows

Edited by Ayla Baig

she called, said it’s urgent,

said that i did something wrong when i was five,

she says it means i could never be anything at all.

he said nothing; he says nothing to me now,

because i did something wrong when i was fourteen

and some things can’t be forgiven.

 

she called again, said i misunderstood,

i could be something if i tried it their way,

if i made up for the mistake i’ve made and the grief i’ve caused.

he’s still grieving, that’s why he doesn’t look at me.

he doesn’t look at the youngest either,

she must have done something unforgivable.

 

she called, i missed it,

but she left a message: i was better when i was little,

before i started thinking, before i started dreaming.

i’m glad i didn’t pick up: how does one explain,

how does one justify his existence?

if i could revoke my personhood, erase my identity,

i think i’d do it to be loved again.

 

she called, she’s laughing,

saying that i can try but i’ll never be who i am.

she says she knows me better than i do

and i’m wrong about the way i live.

this is why he stopped looking at me, i think,

ashamed he knew better than i did without speaking to me.

 

she called again, said i’m a shame,

said i’ll kill her mother, said i’ll embarrass them all.

she doesn’t say that when he stops talking to his kids,

she doesn’t say that when kids hate their father,

she only smiles and says she’s right, i’m wrong.

she’s right, she’s right, that’s why she calls.

 

she called again, asks when i’ll be something,

“it’s not too late to make up for all your mistakes.”

but i know she’s lying, i’ll never be anything at all

because what i want to be is nothing for her,

nothing to her, i want to be left alone.

i want her to stop calling.

 

she calls, i don’t answer.

she calls, i don’t answer.

i’m leading her to an early grave,

her and everyone else.

i’ll never be anything, i don’t want to be anything,

i have no hopes, no dreams, 

but hopes and dreams are my fatal flaw.

i don’t need her to call anymore,

but she’s the only one who does.

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